scary stuff

At the moment I'm taking a free motion quilting class.  It's called Graffiti quilting (by Karlee Porter).  I missed the first hour of the first class today because I only remembered it as I sat down to write this blog.  I could say it was because I was tired (I am), and I forgot to set a reminder for the class time (I did.) But why would I sign up for a class, pay for it, and not show up?  While it wasn't intentional, I think it may have been Freudian. Because, you see - I'm a bit terrified of it! I've been free-motion quilting for 20-plus years and haven't yet managed to master it to my satisfaction. And this is quilting EXTRA EXTRA!  So yeah - I'm scared of it. And that's a good thing.

It's also more than a bit ironic, because (and I'm NOT making this up) the idea for this blog is "Doing things that scare you." No lie. That is the subject I sat down to write about when I remembered about the class. At least it helped me remember and I caught the last half of it. I like it. But I'm still scared of it.

 Normally I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions. It's not my style at all.  I feel as though I'm ALWAYS trying to improve something or other about myself or my art or whatever. But I wanted to set a kind of goal for myself for some reason (could be that birthday number 60 is lurking nearby), or I was inspired by someone else, or just on a whim - who knows?.  While searching for a word, I thought of the Muhammed Ali quote "You should do something that scares you every day," and I decided that the word would be "Expand." It may not seem like much of a stretch for those of you who know me - I love a challenge, and almost every quilt I make is a stretch for me somehow but I wanted to try new things, especially ones that scare me. I didn't tell anyone because it's my own deal - I feel like sometimes when you tell people you are doing something it actually is a form of self-sabotage, at least for me.  It makes me rebellious when people I love try to "help" me achieve my goals for some reason, so I kept it to myself until now. 

How it's going:  It's getting to be near the end of the year, and I feel like I have taken some risks for certain.  The hubs and I made an impromptu trip to the Netherlands in January (mostly) so I could see Hilma af Klint's work in person.  That's not exactly a risky thing, but it's kind of crazy. And it was so worth it - we had a blast and I was completely inspired and I feel like I'll have ideas for a while from her work. Here is the piece I've made (so far) inspired by her. It's called Evolution: Begin Again. It's a little frightening to make art inspired by other artists - people may not like it, or they may say it is a bad take on that person's work, or worse - they may call it derivative (perish the thought)! But I love it and I really love the way it just sort of came through me. I just let the ideas come as they wanted, from her work and from the universe. I plan to make more Hilma-inspired stuff as the inpiration comes.

I've also tried some stuff I haven't tried before...okay - not LSD, but I've gotten two vegan cookbooks and am using them regularly-ish.   I've put myself out there in various ways, and I feel that I've grown a lot as a result.  

Another small thing I did as an artist was to try a maximalist design.  I like prints and occasionally use them but I MIXED them and let me tell you -  with each square I literally thought "I can't do this - it's too much," but in the end I loved the result.  It isn't completed because I also decided to do funky hand quilting on it and hand quilting takes me a long time. However, I intend to for certain finish it before the end of this year though. 

I also recently made a huge pineapple block  (25 inches) which I "figured" out how to do by myself by experimenting. Yes, I could easily have looked it up and done it - but the word is EXPAND, so I just wanted to see if I could expand my mind to figure it out.  And I did.  Well - the second one worked, anyway.  After it was finished, I looked up the actual directions.   (But don't worry, I'll make a pillow out of the flop.  Cannot waste that beautiful Sky fabric!) But if I'm honest, I am always a risk-taker with my designs, so I guess that isn't all that scary for me...

So here's one thing I did that scared the crap out of me: I entered several quilt shows that I thought would be beyond me, (such as the Houston International Quilt Festival, and the AQS show in Paducah).  I read once that fear of rejection is the biggest fear people have and I remember thinking "Sounds totally legit." It's hard not to feel a little inadequate when my work gets rejected (see: my childhood), but on the other hand, someone has to get their quilts in the shows, so why not at least give it a shot?  I don't have to take it personally - technically, the people who jury the work into shows aren't supposed to even know who made the quilt. It doesn't mean the quilt isn't worthy. And here's the funny part - even when I get a quilt accepted, I have doubts. I start to think of the absolute CHEEK of me to think my work can hang in a show next to other people's work (can you say "neurotic?"). So apparently, it scares me even if I actually get a piece in a show! OY VEY! It's silly and a waste of energy. I'm putting it out there because that's what one does with art. Like it or not, it still made me happy to make it, happy to hang it on my wall, happy to give to family and friends, and happy to share.

Which is also why I share my work on social media, even though it can be scary. I KNOW you know what I'm talking about (the LIKES...or not). Every once in a while, I muse about Instagram. It has been, on the whole, a pretty lovely thing for me. There is so much creativity in the world - I know why they call it Insta because I personally can't look at it without INSTAntly getting inspired to go make! And I've made a lot of cyber friends that I treasure, that I would never have met because of geography, and sometimes I even get to meet them in person, which is so sublime! So on the whole, I'm a fan. But I do have to discipline myself not to worry about how many likes my posts get - I have a good amount of followers, but often I get under 100 likes on my posts, and if I let myself, I will think "Why am I not getting more likes - is it because people don't like what they are seeing? Does my work suck?" Then I (metaphorically) slap myself and remind myself why I share. It's because I so appreciate people sharing their work with the world and inspiring me. It's in the hope that something I share will bring joy to someone, inspire someone, or make them feel like making something, too. It's only actually scary if I make it so.

I got shoulder replacement surgery this summer.  You would think that after replacing both my knees (yeah - my cartilage wears out and grows bone spurs for some reason, lucky me) with great success I wouldn't be scared but surgery is scary, period.  I really really didn't want to do it, but the truth is that I haven't been able to use my arm properly for years, and chronic pain gets to you.  I decided that it was actually scarier to think of how crippled I would be for the rest of my life if I DIDN'T do it.  I mean - at some point I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to quilt, which is TERRIFYING!!! So I did it.  I can't say it's been easy or fun; the recovery is long and painful and I still have trouble doing a lot three months later, which is so different from the knees. I still have fears about it because I do still feel so hampered by it, but I'm working hard to get my mobility back, and like I said, I will do my best to accept what is as it is.

There are a lot more scary and scarier things for me to do, I know, and it may seem like the stuff I've described to you isn't really all that scary and I agree.  But what I'm hoping is that every small thing I do that scares me will provide the impetus for me to take on bigger things, and maybe at some point, I will actually BE FEARLESS! 

  Which is the way we should be - life is short, and in the end, we need to stand up to bullies (even if they are ourselves), to speak our truth, and not to let our fear of rejection, inadequacy or failure stop us from doing or trying things we want to do.  Because even if things don't turn out the way we envisioned, there is no way we haven't learned something or grown in some way. In the end sn't that what really counts?